Yes. A moment of silence. Not because its so terrible that Tamil Cinema died a tragic death (ok that also), but simply because a moment of silence was all I wanted, as I watched this noisy nauseating nonsense, which is the possibly the best way to describe Singam 3, and er.. Singam 2 and … Singam 1.
The lion prides itself (see what I did there) in lots of shouting, cameramen in a constant urgent need to pee, lion morphing, lion roaring, more shouting, pointless heroines, car chases, forest fights, foreign villains, hovering helicopters, intimate items, comedy in coma, some more shouting, and other forms of brutal torture that Hitler would take notes from.
A HUGE SHOUT OUT TO SURYA
So the movie opens up in a court scene in some part of Andhra Pradesh, where judges, lawyers, convicts and politicians gather to discuss the murder of some Commissioner of Police.
Judge : “So folks, the Commissioner has been murdered. Normally I’d have the state’s police force deal with this investigation but.. you know, this movie is actually a Tamil movie, and so, we’ve got to render our entire Police Force unfit for this, and instead seek the help of Tamil Nadu.”
Common Sense : “Dei, but what about Telengana ? We can ask them no ?”
Judge : “Good point. But no. Cannotableto bro. Any other ideas ?”
Lawyer : “Yes, there is this one dude who is capable of …”
Judge : “Ok enough. You mean Durai Singam only no. I have this video which he shared as Facebook Memories. Has some clippings of him bashing up harmless bystanding henchmen, shooting black men, and graphically morphing into a lion for no reason.”
Lawyer : “Ok, let’s call him onsite. Also, while he investigates the murder, let him also help restore law and order in Vizag for free.”
Judge : “Seems fair. We did let them have Devi Sri Prasad for the first two movies.”
Singam arrives in Vizag by train, and as expected, there is this opening fight in the station. Surya instantly morphs into lion, beats up henchmen, and sending one of them flying to land on a weighing scale that instantly reads 1500 kg (director’s touch).
THE TALE OF IRRELEVANCE
Singam is a montage of everything irrelevant in the 21st century. There’s Surudhi Haasan, who witnesses the fight in the train station and is dumbstruck by Surya’s machoism and wants an autograph from him, and then stalks him everywhere to ogle him and take selfies. Then there’s Parotta Soori, the undisputed King of all Unfunny Men, playing the role of a constable, while secretly warding off aliens from ever invading the planet. And then, there’s Harris Jayaraj. And then there’s the entire Telugu villain ensemble. We also have foreign henchmen. We have Immam Annachi and his tirunalveli accoent to binge into. Fuck all that. There’s even Harris Jayaraj’s long lost gay partner, Singer Krish, who plays the role of a cop, assistant to Singam. The last time Krish was of any revelance, Orkut testimonials were being written.
SINGAM TAKES CHARGE
Back at the Police Station, Singam is busy pondering who could possibly be that generous and kind enough to feature in his intro fight scene.
Krish : “These people look like Reddy’s men.”
Singam : “Dei naaye, Andhra Pradesh has a population of nearly 50 million, out of which nearly 25 million are Reddys. Other 25 million are Naidus. How the fuck do i know which Reddy you are referring to ? Wait, do you mean Madhusudhana Reddy ?”
Krish : “Yes.”
Singam : *loud* “See, this is the power of Tamil Nadu police.”
*medium silent* “Also, lot of shady deals happen in one casino. So let’s go there and investigate.”
Singam goes to the casino, and instantly forgets all his plans of investigating or nabbing criminals, and instead hits the dance floor for an item song. This song was supposed to make the entire theater shiver, as if down with malaria. No we didnt say that. The memes did.
SHIT GETS REAL
There’s only one thing in the world that’s more unacceptable than Donald Trump as President. Parotta Soori. Parotta Soori is where monkeys evolved from. He would have seemlessly fit into the Planet of the Apes series, and saved so much money on CGI, but no, he had to enter Tamil Cinema. Parotta Soori should’ve been banned instead of Jallikattu. Even PETA would’ve had a campaign supporting the cruelty towards specific species of animals. Parotta Soori is what you get when is what you get when shit gets real. Literally. In fact, PS actually stands for Piece of Shit. Here’s why :
Parotta Soori plays the role of a constable who goes to arrest a fat lady. Fat lady instead hits on him and tries to molest him.
Singam asks Parotta Soori to go and search for a restroom in a hotel. Simple instructions. PS goes around searching all the rooms but can’t find the “restroom”. YOU BASTARD. It’s 2017 and you don’t know restroom refers to a toilet ?! Hard to believe that shit doesn’t know what a toilet looks like, but alright. But what sort of monster must the director be to actually think its worthy enough to be a comedy track. Makes you wonder.
A PILE OF GARBAGE
The main plot of the movie is literally a pile of garbage. No seriously. It revolves around this Aussie Businessman, a close associate of Reddy, who dumps medical waste from Australia in Andhra Pradesh. This obviously means, few school kids have to die. School Headmaster realizes Singam is an honest cop and will bring justice, and seeks his help. The headmaster also says that the dead Commissioner had tried to oppose the dumping of waste and was killed.
Singam goes off to investigate the freight carriers, and finds one of the containers from Australia filled with medical waste, everything disgusting ranging from decaying organs to Parotta Soori’s humor. Now, of course, there is a fight scene over here. A pretty pointless one which involves Singam transforms into a lion as usual and beating up some henchmen. With the amount of noise and cars involved in every fight scene, you would think this film is a subtle tribute to The Transformers, but that would make Surudhi Haasan the Megan Fox of Tamil Cinema. So I’ll stop there.
Meanwhile, in this cycle gap, that school headmaster is killed. The poor sod. Anyway, so in a fit of rage, Singam arrests Reddy.
I almost forgot. So Surudhi Haasan exists in this movie, remember ? Well, she isn’t quite the police machoism fan girl we thought she was. She is actually an investigative journalist. OMG. Surprise Surprise. So she writes some articles on Singam’s allegiance with Reddy and attempts to defame Singam for no fucking reason. Like I said, Surudhi is irrelevant. Period. But anyway, after arresting Reddy, Singam also arrests Surudhi, citing some Article 986234C for preventing cops from doing their duty or something. Surudhi promptly gets out of jail the next day, and continues to ogle at Singam.
Wait.. wasn’t Singam married in Singam 2 itself ? Yes, but he is undercover over here, and so claims to have divorced his wife. Singam also stores Anushka’s contact as Puli on his phone. Cute.
Anyway, so time for fantasy song for Surudhi, ft. Singam.
*Wi wi wi wi wifi…. with Singam doing his best to appear taller on screen.*
P.S – Appearing in fantasy songs while arresting politicians is still a dream for many single guys out there.
VILLAIN INTRO AND OFFSHORE VISIT
Back to the story. Arresting Reddy means only one thing in Singam land. Villain intro. Well, Reddy is a villain too, but is more of a dumb villain. The raw brawny uneducated types. We need someone more suave, with dapper looks, rich, body-building, cocaine snorting types. Obviously has to live in Australia, and have his own personal helicopter, jet and jetti and all that.
Singam meanwhile, has his own problems.
Singam : “Sir, I’ve arrested Reddy. Now I’m going back to TN. No offense, but TN govt is way better at supporting cop secret missions. I need to take on this kangaroo villain.”
Vijay Kumar : *appearing out of nowhere* “I think I understand your plan Singam.”
Home Minister : “Dude, STFU. No Singam, please stay. AP must receive all the accolades for cleaning up corruption. What do you need?”
Singam : “But but… what about Tamil Nadu Police ?”
Director Hari : “I have Saamy 2 planned for that. You carry on Singam.”
*Chiyaan Vikram curls into fetal position and hides under director’s chair*
Singam : *toned down voice* “Ok then, I want to go to Australia. Its been my childhood dream. You can proudly say that I am a big fan of Ricky Ponting. In fact, once when Jo and I were watching a kangaroo get laid in Animal Planet, I was getting turned…”
Home Minister : “Dei enough with the mind voice. Ok take Anushka also and go.”
So Singam and Puli go to Australia, where Undercover Cop and Australian citizen Immam Annachi meets them. They do some cool secret cop things like flying drones, hacking computers, stealing company secrets, speaking in Tirunalveli accent, threatening Aussie Villain etc. Finally when Singam is about to head back, he is stopped by the Australian Immigration folks.
Officer : “Sir, I believe you could be trafficking drugs. Or something worse, actually preparing for Singam 4. So, we must detain you.”
Singam : *shouting* “Do you know who I am ? One aussie fisherman was kidnapped by sea pirates. One indian cop saved him. Do you know who he is ? Do you know the power of the Indian Police ? Have you seen the fourth lion on the National Emblem ?”
Officer : “Whoa, calm down mate. Lets just let google settle this.”
*Officer googles, finds video of random black dude getting shot by an Indian guy.*
Officer : *Saluting Singam* “Well, seems legit. Alright Sir, you’re free to go.”
One mexican gets deported every time this scene is played in the theater.
REDDY TO DIE
Singam returns to India only to find that Reddy had been acquitted. Now this Reddy does the right thing by trying to go into hiding. But, this is Singam 3 remember. Singam obviously blocks all exit points and chases Reddy into some granite quarry, which is most possibly run by Srimaan in Panchatanthiram.
Singam : “Reddy, its easy to die. But its difficult to live. More difficult to survive.”
*Reddy patiently listens, is almost dead but is also hungry*
Singam : “Let me tell you a flashback of a school kid who died in a van crash…”
*Reddy opens Swiggy app and places order for biriyani.*
Singam : “The father of that kid is a noble police….”
*Reddy dies midway, partly of hunger, partly the wounds, but mostly unable to bear this narrative ordeal*
Singam : “Now Subba Rao, you may shoot him.”
SURUDHI SERI ILLA
So, the Aussie villain now lands in India, after having heard Reddy is dead. Surudhi Haasan, itching for more screen time and a chance to become India’s answer to Rachel McAdams from Spotlight tries to spy on the Aussie Villain, with the usual spying equipment of hidden mic in chain and camera in purse. Aussie Villain is pretty tech savvy and spots the camera immediately, and beats up Surudhi.
Aussie Villain : *summoning his henchmen* “Come on guys. Seize her, and rape her in front of me.”
Assistant : “You high bro ? What kind of fetish is this? Are you also a closet virgin? Surely the more logical thing to do is to blackmail Singam with her.”
Aussie Villain : “Hmm.. alright. That also seems to be a good plan.”
So they drug her and keep her in a hospital. By this point, nobody knows or cares how, but somehow Singam finds the hospital in which they’ve hidden her, and goes and rescues her. Doctors attempt to revive her but say that there is a possibility of her slipping into a coma, not because of the drugs but because they made her repeatedly watch the trailer of Premam’s remake in Telugu. Few hours later, Surudhi is revived, and sends the audience into a coma instead with another ten minute monologue apologizing to Singam.
Euthanasia should be made legal for this very reason.
KANGAROO VS LION
Singam meets a Magistrate to request for an arrest warrant for the Aussie villain.
Singam : *piling up document on table* “I have 436 documents worth of evidence to arrest this dude.”
Magistrate : *shaking his head* “Cannotableto accept documents as evidence.”
Singam : *Handing over laptop* “Here is one of his business partners who says he stand as witness over Skype. Say Hi to him.”
Magistrate : *closing laptop* “Skype evidence and all is not counted bro.”
Singam : *Looking desperate* “Well, I have this shabby looking local bombay dada who we nabbed a few days back. Not sure what its worth.”
Magistrate : “Well now that’s concrete evidence. Here is the arrest warrant.”
Singam : *silently under breath* “Ada paavi.”
Kangaroo man absconds, hiding in a truck, headed for the airport in Telangana. Singam, with the help of the
rehab patient computer hacker Nithin Sathya, traces the kangaroo man, and chases the truck. Obviously, there are fellow lorry drivers who attempt to foil the chase. Soon, we have Toyota Innovas chasing truck, lorries chasing Innovas, trucks chasing trucks and Virat Kohli chasing all of them. Kangaroo man reaches airport and boards flight, while Singam is stopped at the airport by Telangana Police.
So, Singam turns back from the airport, and breaks the gate and drives straight into the runway and parks the car in front of the taxiing flight.
Common Sense : “Hey, you do know that airports have far better security measures than just breaking a gate leading to the runway right ? You’re making terrorism seem like child’s play.”
Director Hari : *shouting into megaphone* “Do you think Tamil Nadu Police are incapable? Have you seen the fourth lion of the national emblem?”
Common Sense : “Good Night.”
Anyway, so Singam finally shows the arrest warrant to the airport officials, and arrests the Kangaroo man.
You would think thats the end of the movie But no, what’s a lion without a forest. Whats a Singam without a climax flight. By now, even my phone’s battery has run dry and I don’t have any option but to watch on. Kangaroo man escapes from police van, and hops off into the forest. Singam morphs into lion, and roars after him. Singam has a fully loaded gun but Kangaroo man challenges him to fight without using using guns, as per the Second Amendment of the US Constitution. So, they fight, and Singam engages in a game of hand cricket, where he does one-pitch one-hand level catching of the kangaroo, and kicks him around trees, bouncing him off the floor, throwing rocks at him, while I’m busy hurling abuses.
Anyway, so the forest fight does eventually end after 15 minutes, with Singam shooting and killing the Kangaroo, which doesn’t quite justify all that hand fighting before that. But whatever.
End credits roll on – Surudhi Haasan calls up Singam and says she is getting married and is deleting his contact from her phone. Yay. And Singam 4 is next. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.