Month: October 2016

REMO – The Virgin Wet Dream

As I stare at the cinema screen in disbelief, cursing myself for wasting another $13 bucks and wondering how long would it be before Elon Musk actually managed to transport people to Mars, I hear the hero boast “Avalukku engagement thaane aayirukku. Kalyanam aagala la. Ippo paaru da.” (She is only engaged to him, not married. Now see what I will do). At this point, a bunch of people seated in front of me break into a chorus of cheers. Yes, they exist. While I honestly believe that Donald Trump is trying to deport the wrong bunch of people, we’ll reserve that rant for another day.


The film opens up with a poorly animated avatar of Cupid using an iPad to decide his next target – our protagonist Sivakarthikeyan. Not sure what’s worse – the fact that some people think Cupid exists or that Sivakarthikeyan is actually a sought after actor these days. Anyways, so going by the name of SK, a clever yet not-so-subtle abbreviation of his name, our man plays the usual role of a next door guy who is jobless, owing to popular demand and lack of self respect. Needless to say, he is a virgin, much like the majority of his fans, who worship his virginity while secretly wallowing in self pity. His life ambitions are pretty well laid out – Find girl, stalk girl, somehow marry girl. The usual virgin squad goals. Now of course, every single virgin will have a virgin best friend(s), in this case Motta Rajendran and Sathish, both of whom are jobless as well, just to justify SK hanging out with them, and mirroring the daily life of the average virgin joe (including playing carrom on the roads whilst discussing their love life or lack of it).
*Ignoring SK’s intro song for the sake of world peace*


In what appears to be a highly relatable story for much of his fans, our man SK spots a girl at a bus stop, and instantly evolves from Ordinary Virgin to Creepy Stalker Virgin, an event marked by the gentle blow of cool breeze against the subject’s face, in an otherwise barren and hot as fuck chennai weather. Sources say that virginity and sight adichifying (ogling creepily at women) are among the major causes of climate change, putting an end to Bernie Sanders’ campaign against the fossil fuel industry. Anyway, so creepy SK goes around doing creepy stuff like spying her whereabouts, following her in malls, whistling at her in buses (without her noticing of course), and even enquiring about her marital status from her house watchman.


Every virgin hero needs to have a mother, whose only purpose in life is to lament about her son not going to work and hanging out with fellow virgins instead,  and also ensure that he eats a healthy meal of dosai and upma, cooked using extra virgin olive oil. If things go to plan, the mother role is played by Saranya Ponvannan, who has mastered this role for the entire spectrum of actors from Vikram to Udaynidhi Stalin.


So the heroine is none other than Keerthy Suresh, who has pretty much taken over the role of trying-to-act-cute-but-actually-a-dumb-retard role from Genelia and Hansika Motwani for the foreseeable future.

SK : “Being a virgin, I suggest that we go down the tried and tested path of love failure to form the crux of this plot.”
Director : “Super idea. So the retard is engaged to a rich and successful man, with a good job and an affluent family.”
SK : “Obviously this means that he will be a total bitch who doesn’t care about women, right ? I mean, of course the secret sauce behind keeping any woman happy is only known to unsuccessful jobless virgins with absolutely no concern about their own livelihoods.”
Director : “And love failure would spur our hero forward to reaching new low points along the way. Perfect. So we’ve got the plot going then.”

So, carrying the plot forward, SK finally musters some courage to creep into her house only to find her getting engaged. Dejected, our man decides to dress up as a nurse and audition for a role in a movie, which ends up in a failure as well. On his way back from the audition, Dumb Keerthy meets him in the bus and mistakes him for a real nurse.

The Retard : “Hey.. you look sad. ”
SK : “Yes.”
The Retard : “Have you taken tablet ?”
SK : “Hmm..”
The Retard :  “Without S&M.. ok never mind.  I have this habit of giving my number to random nurses who i meet on the bus. So, I’ll just write it on your palm, and turn you on some more. I’ll also draw a smiley face.”
SK : “Ok.”
The Retard : “What.. your name is Regina Motwani ? That’s a pretty awful name to be honest. But you know what. I’m so dumb. I believe you. Also, I think ReMo is a fuck all nickname for you, but the director insists I call you that. Apparently it has something to do with his decision to name the movie that.”
SK : “Are you done ?”
The Retard : “Almost. I have to take a selfie because thats what dumb cute girls do when they meet strangers on the bus.”
*SK fakes a smile but secretly climaxes with his nurse attire providing the perfect camouflage*

So, our hero believes that the virgin god Dhanush has shown some mercy upon him and with a renewed sense of purpose, he sets out to win over her. Again. The virgins sense hope.


So nurse Remo goes to the hospital, where the dean (Prathap Pothen) gives her the job, in addition to raising the amount of overacting per unit area of the screen. While the audience are busy searching for shovels to start digging their graves, Remo has a few song sequences, a fight scene and a magic show for kids in the hospital. In what appears to be a tribute to Nolan’s Prestige, the director has Remo promise a kid about performing a special magic trick sometime later. Anyway, so Remo tries to convince the retard that she deserves better than an arranged marriage with an affluent man with a successful job and all that.
At the retard’s birthday, Remo hands over a gift from an anonymous admirer, which is revealed to be a whistle which when blown would alert the police of rapists in the area have heart shaped balloons rise and fill the entire neighbourhood. Now of course, the the retard is curious to know who could possibly creep impress her, and that’s when our virgin warlord enters, meets her for the very first time, and his first words to her are  “I love you. I want to marry you.”.
Common Sense : “Wait, shouldn’t he be in jail for this ?”
Director : “This is actually my life story.”
Common Sense : “It was nice knowing you.”


So the retard is clearly not creeped out by her secret admirer, but is in fact impressed by him for some reason, and begins to hang out with him. There are intimate scenes, which obviously have to happen only when it rains, even if it means Rain Man Ramanan reconsidering his retirement. Finally it dawns to our retard that she could be morally wrong in flirting with another guy without her fiance’s notice, who decides to end her relationship with our virgin boy. SK resumes soup boy activities like drinking and dancing in a fit of love failure, while the entire theatre is in a state of virgin vibration.
Rather than talk some sense into her pathetic progeny, SK’s mom catches the virgin fever instead, and encourages her creepy son to continue to persuade her even if it means getting her to cancel her engagement.
*Secret portal to hell opens up somewhere in the vicinity*


Our virgin’s pursual of the retard looks to have paid off, with her conceding her disinterest in the marriage to her parents and attempting to end it. The rich, successful fiance is enraged by this, and immediately reaches out to his bottle of alcohol in an almost instant reflex action to the break up stimulus. After drinking, he confronts the retard and Remo in the middle of the road.
Rich man : “Ok look, as you would expect, I’ve had my share of drinks to account for my love failure. But rather than walk away, it appears that I have to be a dick here and attack Nurse Remo, and force this marriage to happen. I don’t know man, but the director insists that rich people be the bad guys in these kind of movies.”
Remo : *sigh* ” I guess you’re right. How many henchmen do you have on you ? ”
Rich man : “I think seven. Should be good enough for you for a reasonable fight while also have you sneak in references to some of your earlier shitty works like Maan Karate and Ethir Neechal.”
Remo : “Ok, but just make sure you don’t hit me anywhere that would have my wig or make up fall off. This retard still believes I’m actually a nurse. Lulz.”
So, there’s a fight and the rich man and his henchmen are defeated and never to be seen again.


So, after all this fight, there appears to be some precious time left for more drama. Yes, that kid in the hospital who Nurse Remo promised to do a special Christian Bale in Prestige-esque P.James magic trick. Apparently, the ten year old won’t agree to the surgery if Nurse Remo doesn’t perform the trick.
Common Sense : “Dude, for the last time, why the fuck would doctors listen to a ten year old girl when she refuses the surgery ?”
Director : “I want to prove to the world that actors other than Vijay can pull off the kiddy role.”
Common Sense : “I shouldn’t have even tried. Fuck this shit.”
So as expected, the secret trick involves Nurse Remo revealing her true identity as SK, much to the horror of the retard. He also rubs his nose against the nose of the kid, transferring a mashup of mucus and makeup in the process, but what ever. No one cares.
The Retard : “You stalked me, cheated me, made me cancel my engagement and made me appear more retarded than usual. How dare you ? Is this what you mean by love ?”
SK : “Vera enna di love-u?” (What else do you think is love)
This very line raised the virginity of SK to such abnormally high levels that he started giving birth to baby Jesus at that very instant.

Anyway, so you would expect the retard to leave SK forever, but no. That wouldn’t be the virgin way of life. So, clearly she develops feelings for him and they get together a few months later.  The virgins around the world rejoice, more memes are created, Sivakarthikeyan continues to breed his sleeper cells of virgin army while challenging Dhanush to the title of the King of the soup boys and protector of virginity.