Cricket, Crackers and some Crap

It is a pretty common observation that an integral part of Diwali shopping is buying fireworks. While the task of handpicking the crackers of your choice is arduous, the easier way out is to buy a gift-box, the box that contains an assorted collection of crackers. Having gotten bored of seeing the same old Cock-Brand Firework, Ayan Pattasugal and the ever existent Standard Fireworks, the Board of Control of Crackers in India (BCCI) had decided to launch its own special firework ‘gift-box’, with a new grade of crackers developed, keeping in mind the personalities of some of the Indian players.

collage         PLUS     std

Prior to the actual unveiling, one of the reporters caught up with President ‘Srini Mama’ for a few quick words.

Reporter :Thank you for sparing time Mama. Why start off with a new capital venture ? ”
Srini Mama : ” This industry has been relatively scam free for the last thirty years, and has always been at the back of our minds. The concept of turning money to ashes was something that excited us at that time. The idea was a brain child of Sharad Pawaar during his tenure, who I believe was pestered by youth icon Rahul to gift him something different for diwali. When the idea was put forward, the feasibility of the whole project was questioned by A.Raja, but I believe we have clean-bowled him.

Reporter : ” We believe that this project will be detrimental to the environment. What is your take on this issue ? ”
Srini Mama : *chuckling* We have sought the help of RCB CEO, Vijay Mallya in this regard, and we believe that wearing a Green colored dress while lighting the crackers would significantly reduce the environmental pollution.

Reporter : “What is the involvement of son-in-law Gurunath in this project ? ”
Srini Mama : *waving finger angrily* I have said time and again. He is merely a Cracker Enthusiast. He is not involved in the administration in any way.  ”

Reporter : ” One last question.. we believe that one cracker in particular is your personal favorite. Your comments ?”
Srini Mama : “Well of course….. errr.. no comments “

 mallya and flower potEnvironment Friendly Mallya and the Flower-Pot

The fireworks were unveiled at a gala evening in Sivakasi, with some of the ‘big-wicks’ in the country making it for the grand opening. The host for the night was the President of the Presentation Party, Ravi Shastri himself, who ‘de-lighted’ the audience with his repeated witty reference to “have a cracker of an evening” .

The fireworks unveiled during the evening were  –

Dhawan Dharma-adi

An explosive that has been used in recent times to set alight the festive season. Identified by its conspicuous twirled wick, this cracker is often known to have intimidated people to the extent that they fear setting fire to one of these again. It is equally explosive along the ground as well as in the air, offering a bright positive start.

Vijay Boos-vaanam

Here is a cracker that nobody really wants to find in the giftbox, but is invariably there just to piss off the buyers. It offers absolutely nothing to the entire festival and is more often that not, left untouched in the box and passed on from one diwali to the next. On those rare occasions when people do decide to burst, it simply wouldn’t catch fire. Its abject performance have often led to people questioning the BCCI for their insistence on including this as a part of the package. In a desperate attempt to bring something out of this piece of trash, one of the residents attempted to set it on fire after immersing the firework in a can of kerosene , but it still wouldn’t burst. Its only performance came when it managed to sneak into another house and heat things up, much to the annoyance of the owner.

Sharma Slow-Start Shells

One of those fireworks most people ordered five years ago, that finally arrived recently. It has received plaudits for being one of the finest fireworks during the testing phases, but it often failed to perform during the festive period. This has led to it being subject to satire and criticism, with people citing that its poor performances did not warrant a place in the giftbox, but it has always received the backing of the BCCI, who have stated several times that this cracker is special. It does not pack enough gun powder to guarantee an explosion, but it sparkles with a certain elegance that most people enjoy. While it has been known to last only two minutes, off late its longevity has improved significantly.

Kohli Kolaveri

A special grade firecracker that rate very highly internationally, not just for its explosive nature but also for its ability to keep burning and not get put out easily. It is marketed as a musical cracker, which when lit, will burst in the sky with a sound featuring some uncensored content. The contents are usually in hindi, but can be customized to any regional language.

Badrinath Bagala Bath

A cracker for crisis occasions, which can be lit at any time of the day, depending on the situation. Often seen being lit when the first few crackers have failed to burst, when people are in desperate need to just get something to burst. Rather than gun powder, It comes packed with thayir sadham ( curd rice in english ; bagala bath in kannada ) , and almost exclusively operates along the ground. Once ignited, it almost never stops, but its decibel level is so poor , that it annoys the people beyond a point rather than entertain. Newer versions of the cracker are equipped with a timed defuse mechanism to assist extinguishing itself on purpose, so as to make way for some of the more explosive crackers.

Dhoni Deaf-ender

A fan favorite firecracker, that most people believe is the best way to finish a diwali. It comes with four wicks, cross connected, to resemble a flying machine. When all four wicks are lit, the wicks continue to simmer until 11:59 pm of diwali night, when it finally takes off and explodes in the sky, almost resembling an apocalypse. Limited Premium editions of the cracker come with recordings of Ravi Shastri, which burst with the “And Dhoni finishes it off in style” war-cry, bringing an end to all peace on planet earth.

Sir-round Sound

A firecracker that is auctioned and sold to the highest bidder. No description. It does what ever it wants to.

I’shant Explode

Easily identified in the box by its long frame with an entanglement of wicks at the top, this explosive is really designed to do just one thing – rise straight up and explode. But misguided by the mess that adorns the apex,  it instead takes a tragic trajectory, traversing through trees and end ups near Tambaram.

Sreesanth Satham-illadha Showers

An explosive that was discovered accidentally during a scientific demonstration in Punjab, when unlike most crackers, this one burst into tears, rather than light , upon being struck by another shell. What seemed to be conceived as a path breaking discovery, later proved to be a useless piece of junk, as a consequence of a number of matches that were wasted while trying to light the fuse.

Hydro-jan Singh

A cracker with GPS location-based service modules that head all the way to Australia, verbally taunt and enrage Andrew Symonds ; boomerang to Nita Ambani’s residence, lift her off her seat and deliver personalized greetings , before finally seeking a Sreesanth firework in mid air and bursting near it.

Dinda Dhandams

Identified with a purple tape wrapped around the top of the shell, when set ablaze, this bomb would take a giant leap into the sky with a velocity in excess of the escape velocity of the earth ( adhering to Rahul Gandhi’s Dalit Theory ) , rebound off the moon and come crashing down to the same point, and then explode.

Shastri “and well ladies and gentlemen, that’s it from the presentation area.”

Have a happy diwali everyone !

Idea inspired from :

Image Uncredited Source – Don’t know who created the image to give credit to


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